Introduction

On Mother’s Day, I preached on 1 Peter 3:3–4, and we talked about the character of true femininity. This morning, I’d like to consider Peter’s instructions to husbands in v. 7. However, what he has to say is significant for all men and even has a lot of application for women (read vv. 1–7).

We all know that our society is increasingly confused about what it means to be a man or a woman. For decades, the revolutionaries have pushed to eliminate as many gender distinctions as possible. They want to eliminate dress distinctions. They don’t want any differences in the workplace, even when the obvious physical differences between men and women make it impractical. No, they want women in combat, to be firemen, and to play in the NFL. On and on it goes. They want to pretend that many of the distinctions between men and women don’t exist.

But ironically, people flaunt their sexuality like never before. Women are taught to assert your power by demanding sexual attention. And everyone should pursue whatever sexual fantasy interests them.

Confusion abounds, but this morning I particularly want to consider how all of it has left men very confused about they should view women and treat women. For example, fewer and fewer men honor women as women. They act like junior highers around them, they don’t protect them, and they don’t follow the gentlemanly etiquette that used to be common.

Instead, they have bought into the highly sexualized view of women. They see women as little more than beautiful scenery or a challenge to be conquered. As a result, sexual abuse is skyrocketing, women are suffering, and men increasingly have no idea how to lead a meaningful relationship. It’s a mess!

Therefore, we desperately need 1 Peter 3:7. It calls all men but especially husbands back to God’s good and true perspective on their wives and ultimately all women and to our responsibility toward them. I trust the Lord will use his Word to realign our thoughts and ultimately our actions with his truth. There are three sections to this verse that I’d like to summarize with three commands. First…

I.  Compensate for her weakness.

Notice that v. 7 begins with “in the same way.” Peter doesn’t mean that husbands need to submit to their wives “in the same way” that wives submit to them because he never says that. And if that’s what he meant to imply, it would be inconsistent with the rest of Scripture. Rather, he gives husbands a unique set of commands. Therefore, it’s best to see “in the same way” as making a loose connection.

The idea is “Husbands, you also have responsibilities toward your wives.” That would have been revolutionary in the ancient world because they assumed that every marital problem must be the wife’s fault because they are not equals. She exists to serve her husband.

But God says they are equally valuable. Therefore, husbands and wives are responsible to treat each other appropriately and to cultivate a healthy marriage. So, Peter challenges husbands to compensate for their wives’ weakness. The basis for this command is the fact that…

The woman is the weaker vessel. Peter does not say exactly how the woman is weaker; therefore, we might think he means a few different things. For example, is Peter saying women are weaker mentally and emotionally?

Of course not, because the Bible never says this, and it’s clearly not true. There are just as many smart women as there are men. And while women tend to be more emotional than men, I don’t think it’s fair to say they are emotionally weaker. For example, many women faithfully raise their kids while the father is terribly irresponsible. I wouldn’t say that men are emotionally stronger.

Therefore, the primary idea is that men are physically stronger. In Peter’s day, no one questioned this, but not anymore. So, we must emphasize that God made men and women with dramatically different bodies. Obviously, there are exceptions, but there’s a reason why we have men’s and women’s sports but not men’s and women’s spelling bees.

You don’t have to watch men and women compete side by side very long in a sport to see the obvious difference. Our society wants to pretend these differences don’t exist, but they are real. We must acknowledge them and account for them. I’ll say more about that later.

I believe Peter also means that that women are weaker within the marriage relationship in the sense that they have less authority. The husband’s authority puts the wife in a vulnerable position, especially when he abuses his authority. Sadly, far too many men use their authority to serve themselves rather than their wives. So, what should the man do about the fact that his wife is the weaker vessel? Peter commands him to…

Dwell with her with understanding. That is a scary sounding command to most men. “‘Understanding,’ what’s that?” There’s a reason Peter starts here. That’s because most men are not good at this. But the idea is that a godly husband is compassionate, thoughtful, convictional, and disciplined about every aspect of his marriage.

This begins with the fact that he accounts for her physical weakness and her lower position in the marriage. But the command extends to any type of compassionate thoughtfulness that would help him better care for her and that contributes to a healthier relationship.

That kind of thoughtfulness is crucial to all relationships because sinners rarely stumble into loving others well. We’re too self-centered and foolish. Our impulse is to say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing. So, loving well always requires a strong conviction to love like Christ, a thoughtful plan about how to do so, and disciplined follow through.

Therefore, a godly, caring husband will work to understand his wife’s physical limitations, her spiritual and emotional strengths and weaknesses, her fears and concerns, and her passions and goals.

Then, he lets that knowledge shape his conduct. He intentionally supports her strengths and compensates for her weakness. He doesn’t use his physical strength and position of authority to take advantage of his wife or to get what he wants. Instead, he uses his power compassionately to serve her and to build a strong relationship.

There are so many important applications of this command. First, embrace our differences and live accordingly. Peter affirms that God made two distinct but complementary genders. Our world calls this oppressive, but our good and wise God declares them good, and they are real no matter how much people deny them. You don’t promote a strong marriage by ignoring them but by embracing them and responding well. So, live with the conviction that God’s design is good.

Second for the men, use your strength to lovingly provide and protect. I hope it goes without saying, but it is always a filthy abuse of power for a man to use his physical strength or God-given authority to intimidate a lady or to abuse her physically, emotionally, or sexually.

God didn’t give you these gifts to serve yourself but to serve and protect others. So, be a servant-leader. Work hard. Be tough. Find your joy in caring for your wife and whoever else God has put in your care.

Young men, learn to be gentlemen. Learn how to honor women and care for them. Open the door for them. Don’t ever watch a lady work or carry something heavy without offering to help. Build habits today that honor God’s design and that reflect the kind of leader Christ is. Now that side of the command appeals to our gruff sense of manly strength, but where this command becomes uncomfortable for many men is the next application…

Invest in understanding your wife. This is a hard one for many of us because most guys don’t enjoy sharing their deepest thoughts and cares or to listen patiently to someone else share theirs. We are doers. We don’t want to listen to someone express herself; we just want to fix it.

Peter knows that. Men have always struggled to listen compassionately and to respond accordingly. So, he challenges us that if we are going to serve our wives well, we must learn to listen and then to act based on compassionate understanding.

Husbands, do you take intentional steps to cultivate this kind of discussion? Is your wife comfortable sharing her deepest thoughts with you? Do you know her spiritual struggles, what she loves and what she fears? And then what are you doing with that knowledge? That brings me to another important application, which is…

Use your knowledge to serve. You may think some of her concerns are strange. Why is she so afraid bugs? Why does she care so much that the curtains match the furniture? But do you mock her or do you kill the bug?

Of course, most of her cares are much more significant. Do you strive to understand, to let her talk, and to help bear the burden? Are you sensitive to her emotions, and do you respond with patience and grace? That may be outside your comfort zone, but do you love her enough to be uncomfortable? And ultimately, are you willing to obey God because he commands you to live with your wife according to knowledge?

So, men, God has blessed us with some great privileges. But we must decide what we will do with this strength. Will we selfishly use it for ourselves, or will we use it to serve our wives and all women? Compensate for her weakness. The second command for husbands is to…

II.  Honor her equality.

Peter has said that there are very real differences between men and women, but now he clarifies that these differences do not mean one is better than the other. Rather God says …

We are “fellow heirs of the grace of life.” “The grace of life” is salvation through the gospel. And Peter’s point is that men and women are equal recipients of God’s incredible grace. Galatians 3:28 states that in Christ, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

This does not mean that there are no differences among these groups. The NT continues to teach that men and women are different and fulfill different roles. Rather the point is that God’s grace is without distinction. God loves men and women equally, because they are equally made in God’s image and equally valuable.

This would have been a radical claim in Peter’s day. They considered a man’s wife to be his property. He could have as many wives as he wanted, and he could divorce them whenever he wanted. But God denies that idea. Men and women are equal in God’s sight.

So, don’t buy the claim that complementarianism makes men superior, and it demeans women. Peter didn’t see any contradiction between complimenting Sarah for calling Abraham “lord” (v. 6) and then saying that men and women are equal before God. Neither should we. We are equal image bearers and equal heirs of God’s grace. Therefore, Peter commands husbands to…

Honor women accordingly. Think for a moment about what it means to honor someone. You don’t treat them as common or ordinary. Instead, you hold them in high regard, and you treat them as special. That’s how God commands husbands to treat their wives. They are not second-class citizens but equals who deserve respect. We know this because God has already honored her by giving his Son for her and by extending his grace to her.

So what does this mean for us? First, Christian men must reject the sex-obsessed view of women that is so common in our day. Many men view women with little more respect than they do a nice car. It’s valuable but only for what it can do for me and for the pleasure it brings. It’s evil. When a man looks at woman this way, he is not honoring her as an equal. He is looking at her with a disgusting selfishness and pride. God hates that degrading spirit.

BTW, selfish and degrading are key here. The Bible never teaches that single men should stop being attracted to girls, and it especially doesn’t teach husbands to stop being attracted to their wives.

Rather, physical attraction is God’s creation. It is good as long as it remains in its rightful place—in submission to God’s will as revealed in Scripture and genuine sacrificial love. It’s only when we allow attraction to reign over love and obedience that it becomes an ungodly, wicked sin.

If you are tolerating this kind of sin, see it for the evil it is. There is no love in lust. You aren’t respecting her or honoring her. So, put it away.

This command also confronts the sinful tendency of some men to think they are superior. It’s very easy for a man to begin thinking that because he pays the bills, is physically stronger, and has authority in the home, that he is better than his wives. He may not be bold enough to say it, but it shows in his actions. He does whatever he wants because, “I earned the money.” Or maybe he holds it over his wife’s head that she is spending the money that he makes.

But Jesus never used his authority or position to lord over others or to get his way. He used it to serve. Follow his example. Use your position and gifts to serve your wife, and find your joy in her happiness, not in indulging your desires.

Finally, this command should challenge us to honor our wives and all godly women as precious and valuable. Proverbs 31:10 states, “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.” Men, we need to cultivate a healthy respect and care for women that honors their dignity and recognizes them as equal recipients of God’s grace.

So this verse gives husbands two commands that are significance for all men. Compensate for her weakness and honor her equality. He then concludes with a sobering warning that I’d like to summarize with a third challenge.

III.  Understand your accountability to God.

Explanation: Peter warns husbands that they must obey these two commands; otherwise, their prayers will be hindered. That sounds serious! What does it mean?

We must remember that there are two sides to my relationship with God—a judicial side and a practical side. Judicially, once I am saved, I forever stand in the righteousness of Christ. When God looks at me, he does not see my sin. He only sees Christ’s perfect life. I stand in grace, and this never changes.

But the NT also commands us to please God and warns of the danger of failing to do so. That’s what Peter is doing here. These warnings assume that there is a practical side to my relationship. Even though my judicial standing cannot change, God can be pleased or not pleased with me relationally depending on my obedience to his will.

And Peter warns that if a husband mistreats his wife, God is displeased with him. His relationship to God is compromised, and God will not hear his prayers. That’s serious business! If you are mistreating or neglecting your wife, God has cut you off from his grace.

And I think it is safe to assume that the same goes for any man who fails to honor the women in his life. Our God is a father to the fatherless, and a friend of the weak. He despises those who use power to abuse the weak for selfish gain. God is angry at any man who dishonors women.

So, understand that this verse touches at the heart of God. Peter is not just giving marriage advice that will relieve tension in your home or get your wife off your back. This is about more than my happiness. No, God gives this command because it is right. This is what he demands of Christian men. And if you reject his will, he will not hear you.

Application: It’s very sobering to imagine God turning his back on your prayers, not listening, and not granting grace. It’s terrifying if you realize how dependent we truly are on the Lord.

But that’s exactly what Peter says will happen if you do not obey God’s command in this verse. You must honor your wife as a fellow heir of God’s grace and all men must embrace the responsibility to honor and protect women as equals before God.

I understand that obeying these commands can be uncomfortable. Maybe you aren’t good at having open conversation, and it feels awkward. Maybe your life is very stressful, and you don’t feel like you have any energy left at the end of the day to invest in your wife. Maybe you are trapped in a perverted mindset about women, and you have bought the world’s excuse that all men look at pornography, and all men are slaves to lust.

Men, it doesn’t matter what excuse you may have or how legitimate it may feel, if you fail to obey this verse, it is sin, and God is not pleased with you. When you pray, he does not listen.

So, I want to urge you to confess your sin to the Lord and ask for grace to change. Commit yourself before God to obey what he has commanded. Then ask for your wife’s forgiveness and talk about what you need to change. Maybe seek out a counselor or an accountability partner.

Even if you think you are doing well, ask your wife what she thinks. Ask her how you can do better at living these commands. Let her know that you want to give her godly honor that pleases the Lord and expresses great love.

If you are a younger, single guy, understand that the patterns you are establishing now will dramatically affect your ability to obey this command in the future. It is hard to overestimate the importance of establishing holy patterns today and protecting yourself from sin.

Doing so may be hard, it may feel like a great sacrifice, and the world may think you are weird. But you will not regret it someday. And nothing this world can offer will every match the joy and the grace that comes with the smile of God and the nearness of his grace. Men live this command, and young men, build the right habits today.