Fathers Who Fail and Succeed

Introduction

Since it is Father’s Day, and we are looking back on VBS, it’s a great day to talk about parenting and especially fatherhood. So, we might as well go directly to the central NT verse for fathers—Ephesians 6:4. 
I’ll never forget one of my college teachers saying that usually a child’s perception of God is a direct reflection of his earthly father. Think about that. God is our Father. But how does a child understand that? The first place he will look is his own father. 
If his father is distracted, harsh, passive, or soft, he will assume God is the same. And it will poison his view of God and his relationship to God. But if his father is a strong leader, merciful, caring, and joyful, that child is positioned for a healthy, life-giving Christianity. Fathers matter! Of course, mothers do also, and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and Chrisitan mentors. Children grow best in community where we work as a team. We can all learn from our text. 
But this is Father’s Day, so my central challenge is to dads. Be the man who will lead your children to your Father in heaven. Notice that our text specifically addresses fathers.

i.  Fathers

Again, mothers are also vitally important. And some have noted that the Greek term patār occasionally refers to both parents. But if Paul intended to address both, he would have used the same term for parents, goneús, that he used in v. 1. Children must obey both parents, but v. 4 addresses fathers because they are primarily responsible for raising godly children. 
The Law of Moses consistently assumes fathers are primarily responsible for the spiritual atmosphere of the home and for discipling their children. 
And Proverbs is a father’s instructions to his son. 4:1 says, “Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father,” and 4:3 says, “When I (Solomon) was a son to my father, tender and the only son in the sight of my mother, then he taught me and said to me, ‘Let your heart hold fast my words.’”
Yes, mothers generally spend more time with children and do more day-to-day discipline and instruction. And God has uniquely gifted women to do that better. If I had to do what Heidi does, I’m sure God would give grace, but without it, I would crash and burn. 
The world wants to pretend men and women are the same, but it’s insanity. God made us different to complete each other. And everyone thrives when we celebrate it and live accordingly, not when we pretend it’s not real. 
And the central difference is that God made men to lead. A godly man is a leader. Ephesians 5 says his first great responsibility is to lead his wife, and Ephesians 6 says his second great responsibility is to lead his children. 
I know that some of you carry tremendous responsibility at work, and you thrive in that environment. Many of you carry tremendous responsibility in our church, and God is using you marvelously. That’s excellent. Maybe you excel at some other cause or hobby world. But your first responsibility is the people under your roof. Engage with them, set a vision for them, and work with your wife to take them there. 
Maybe you’d say, “Okay, but my wife is more spiritual and more verbal. She engages them much better than I do.” Or maybe you have always assumed a real man is the strong, silent type. “I’ll put food on the table but leave me alone at night. I have too much on my mind to think about fatherhood.” 
Ever since the snake approached Eve, men have been passively shirking responsibility, but God says it is wrong. You must take the lead in disciplining and instructing your children. 
And all the evidence proves you are vital to your children’s development. For example, 36% of boys who grow up in intact families graduate college. But 36% of boys who grow up with a single mother will spend time in prison/jail. I saw a study from Virginia which said that children grow up without a dad in the home are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression and 3xs as likely to have behavior or learning issues at school. Dads, you make an astounding difference.
And you bring something unique to your children’s lives. I looked at a massive scientific study this week that demonstrated that fathers are vital to helping children learn independence, how to take risks, and how to endure the pressures of life. I really appreciated this quote, “When fathers respond to children’s emotional distress, they are more likely to focus on fixing the problem than they are addressing the hurt feelings. This seeming ‘indifference to the emotion’ may not appear nurturing but becomes very useful as children grow older, as children tend to seek out and share things with their dads precisely because of their measured, problem-solving responses. The ‘indifference’ actually becomes a strategic form of nurturing in emotionally charged situations” (Jason Carroll).
I could go on, but you get the point. Dads, you can give your children something that no one else can. Your family needs you to lead. Don’t just passively hand the reigns over to your wife. She wants you to consistently talk with her, listen to her, and lead her. So do your kids—talk to them, listen, and lead. It’s your responsibility, and by God’s grace you can do it. But how? First, Paul tells you what not to do. Let’s talk about…

ii.  How to fail. 

To appreciate this command, you must understand Paul’s context. Roman fathers had lifelong, absolute control over their children. Harold Hoehner says, “He could imprison his son, scourge, shame and punish him, sell him into slavery up to three times, or have him killed.” Children were property, and as you can imagine this led to every form of abuse and neglect.
The Romans did not believe everyone is “endowed by their Creator certain with unalienable rights” because they did not believe we are made in the image of God. But we do. The image of God is one of our most world-shaking beliefs. It means our children do not ultimately belong to us; they belong to God. It means they are persons, not property. And yes, parents are the authority, but our children are ontologically our equals. They’re different from the dog on the floor or a cow in the barn.
And we must treat them as such. So, Paul commands fathers, “do not provoke…” The verb (parorgízō) literally means “to provoke anger.” To be clear God is not saying to make sure children never get angry. They are sinners, and sometimes they will get angry for no good reason. The issue is when you provoke anger by inappropriate or sinful behavior.
We can infer that this was a common issue because Paul’s other major statement about parenting in Colossians 3:21 says something similar, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” You can imagine that fathers who were likely neglected as children and had lived their entire lives viewing children as property struggled with neglecting their children, demeaning them, and frustrating them. 
We live in a different world. Many American parents almost worship their kids. They provide no structure, and they give their kids whatever they want. Paul will confronts that too in a moment. But the prohibition is still wonderfully relevant because American parents are often guilty of provoking their children to anger. We could talk about this forever, but I’d like to highlight 6 ways you can fail as a parent by provoking your child to anger.
Abuse them. The Bible is for spanking. It is a necessary tool for correcting children especially when they are young. But a spank should not hurt long. If it does, you have crossed a line. Sadly, there are many other ways fathers physically and sexually abuse children. It’s wicked, and we must oppose it. Abuse angers, demeans, and discourages children. It is always sinful.
Belittle them. An easy way to provoke your kids is to talk down to them or call them belittling names. Kids are foolish, but don’t treat them like they are dumb or a mere irritation. Respect them as the people they are.
And be very careful about publicly shaming them. Have you ever watched a parent yelling at a child in a store and making a scene? The child feels like everyone is watching. He is overwhelmed and embarrassed. The goal of correction is always to reach the heart. But public shame creates a roadblock to the heart. As much as possible discipline in private.
Belittle their problems. Men often struggle here. We want our kids to be tough, and we hate seeing them cry over silly things. Then, we belittle their fears and problems and tell big stories about how our problems are worse. It’s discouraging.
Yes, your problems are bigger, but you have spent decades building the strength to bear them. A broken toy is just as heavy to a small child as an unexpected bill is to a man. When you brush it off, you tempt them with bitterness. That’s not how you make them tough. You make them tough by caring about their problems and shepherding them to think better.
Change expectations. This one is very important. Few things will frustrate your kids more than when you punish them today for what you laughed at yesterday. They don’t know what you want, and they don’t know how to please you. Some will be discouraged, and others will grow bitter. All of them will lose respect for you and the drive to please you. 
The best teachers and coaches have a few clear and memorable rules, and they always demand obedience. Don’t parent by the seat of your pants. Don’t let the pressures at work affect how you parent from one night to the next. Be clear and consistent. Good discipline begins with your discipline.
Live without structure. Many parents are scared to give structure and enforce strict rules because they think it will drive their kids away. But I recently saw a study proving that parents who give their kids good structure (there is such a thing as too much) end up of having the best relationship with their children. 
Why is that? Disney romanticizes life without boundaries, but children are not equipped to live unstructured lives (neither are adults). Boundaries give security and healthy rhythm. They protect kids from their foolishness. Anarchy sounds fun, but it only breeds frustration, conflict, and anger. 
Parent for appearances. Children are more perceptive than we want to believe. They can see hypocrisy, and they know when you care more about what your friends think than you do about their hearts. When they feel like a pawn in your petty games, they will resent you. Love your kids more than men’s praise. Always do what is best for them, not what will get you approval from men.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger” with foolish, demeaning, and lazy parenting. That’s how you fail. But how can you succeed? Paul ends with a positive vision.

iii.  How to Succeed

I have 4 challenges from this command. I want to start at the end. 1st…
Push them to the Lord. Don’t miss “of the Lord,” but it is crucial in this context. Ephesians 5:22–6:9 give God’s household codes. Paul instructs wives and husbands, children and fathers, slaves and masters. He teaches us that human authorities are good and essential. But every section also teaches that God is every person’s ultimate authority. 
Fathers, your children do not ultimately belong to you, and you are not their highest authority. They belong to God, and any judgment you make is meaningless compared to their date before Jesus at the final judgment. Your highest calling is to prepare them for that day.
And the best way you can prepare them for a great life now and a great judgment someday is to help them find their ultimate joy, confidence, and hope in Jesus, not in you. Raise godly children. Don’t be content raising disciplined children who are great citizens and highly successful but who are empty inside and destined for disappointment in eternity. Help them find life and joy and peace in Christ.
That begins with you. We are so glad that many of you brought your kids to VBS, but VBS cannot replace the power of a father’s faith. It is the greatest predictor of a child’s future faith. 
The first step to being a truly great father is to become a child of God. Christianity is not just for kids; it is for you. Christ can change your life, and he can change your family, but it all begins with you receiving him as your Lord and Savior. We want to talk with you afterwards about how you can be saved. Then, you can push your children to the Lord. The 2nd challenge is…
Patiently build them. Notice the 2nd command in v. 4. The NASB says, “bring them up,” and it paints of picture of patiently building and nurturing children. Paul uses the same word in 5:29.
Every father gets impatient with his child. “Why can’t my son think before he acts? Why is my daughter so dramatic? Will they ever grow up?” Dads especially can become impatient and even disinterested very quickly when children don’t change like we think they should. Of course, we would all love it if we could snap our fingers or follow 3 quick steps and pump out disciplined, mature, godly children. But that’s not how it works. 
You must patiently build them up. Your own sanctification happens the same way, and God made it slow because we learn so much through the daily toil of spiritual growth. Be patient with your kids. 
And make the focus of your parenting building, not destroying. Yes, Proverbs 22:15 says, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.” Good parenting demands driving sin and foolishness out of a child’s heart. You must confront, correct, and discipline. You must break their stubborn rebellion.
But a good father destroys foolishness to create room for building wisdom and godliness. So, balance correction with encouragement. Don’t just tell your kids where they are wrong; cast a vision for where they need to go. Follow every strong discipline with a hug and an “I love you.” Fathers, sometimes we can be incredibly critical and discouraging. Don’t just break something; build something. The 3rd challenge is…
Use every tool. Paul says that our construction tools are “discipline and instruction.” The second term focuses on the mind, so we should understand the first as describing all the tools we can use to shape the entire person. That’s important. You must shape a child’s will and emotions, not just his mind.
When we hear discipline, we think punishment. That’s essential, but think of parenting like building a fertile ecosystem. It requires attention to every detail and taking advantage of every resource. You must consider your weekly schedule and the priorities in your schedule. Consider your house rules and how you enforce them. Consider the mood of your home, your children’s friends, schooling, and church involvement. Don’t just tell them to work hard and be kind; give them hands on training. 
Nothing in your home and no detail of your daily rhythm should be left to chance. God has given you many tools to build a laboratory for godly, wise children. Use every tool. Finally…
Teach the truth. This term focuses on verbal instruction directed toward the mind and then the heart. Dads, you must patiently teach your children. Don’t relegate that to mom and especially not YouTube. 
Rehearse the simple things over and over. Teach your kids the Bible, the gospel, basic doctrines, God’s commands, and how to think through issues. Patiently answer their questions. As well, be a leader and talk about the hard and awkward things because if you don’t they will learn about it somewhere. 
And don’t forget the final phrase, “of the Lord.” Be Christ-centered and gospel-centered with all of it. Help them love the Lord, enjoy the Lord, and see all of life from the Lord’s perspective.

Conclusion

Dads, you have a wonderful opportunity in front of you. It’s one of the highest callings of your life. And you can succeed by the grace of God. Take the challenge. It starts with being a godly man yourself. Then pray, plan, and execute your plan. Be the man who will lead your children to your Father in heaven.